webchick.net

very helpful lioness

node/add/webchicklet

Tue, 10/30/2012 - 17:58 -- webchick

So, the bad news is... I most likely won't be going to DrupalCon Portland.

The good news is... I have a pretty awesome excuse. ;)

Introducing... webchicklet! :)

12 week ultrasound, showing a side profile of a baby. :) :)

Here are some answers to some frequently asked questions.

OMGWTFBBQ!@ BABY?!

Yes! A real, honest-to-goodness, actual young one! :D They are currently about 12 weeks along, putting the due date in May-ish! We don't know the sex yet; probably by the end of the year.

But... how...? You're... well, you know... uh.... you don't really swing that way?

Indeed. ;)

Actually, my sister is the one carrying the baby. She became unexpectedly pregnant back in August, and knew that Marci and I were looking to adopt for awhile now, so she and the father are planning to give us the biggest gift that it's possible for someone to give. We're incredibly, incredibly grateful and incredibly, incredibly excited. :D

So, how's that work? Legally, I mean?

Unfortunately, not as easily as you'd maybe think.

Despite the fact that my sister and I are blood relatives, because Marci and I live in Canada, and she and the father live in Minnesota, this is considered an "international adoption" and is subject to the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction (Hague Adoption Convention). Which means we need to go through a full "home study" process, which entails various background checks, reference checks, education classes, etc.

We've got about 98% of the pre-requisite paperwork done at this point, and the next 3-4 months will entail having a social worker all up in our beeswax. ;)

Um. Are you ready for this?

NO! :D But is anyone ever, really? ;)

So... please pummel us with recommendations about books, websites, support groups, places to find good advice, what stuff to buy, or anything else you can think of.

We'll keep you posted. :)

Tags: 
not drupal

Comments

Submitted by Greg Dunlap (not verified) on

I am so unbelievably happy for you and Marci. Huge hugs for the both of you (even though I've never met her!)

Submitted by Bruno De Bondt (not verified) on

OMG, that's amazingly exciting!! Congrats to both of you!

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

Hugs and congratulations to you and Marci. :)

The only advice you need is to have love and patience. It will change your whole outlook, and with those two things you'll find the strength to get through anything. Huge congrats, and enjoy every way-too-fast minute!

Submitted by Jeff (not verified) on

Congrats!

Submitted by YesCT (not verified) on

Littles add wonder to life. Even crazier amazing times ahead. Buying advice: don't buy anything. :) you can guess what I'll say: all you need is a good baby carrier, and ... Some experienced babywearing friend will gift you one! Ok a few other things, car seat if you travel by car.. (keep it in the car), but not much. Your little will just need you and Marci ... Oh, some good parenting music! I'll give a list to get you started.

Submitted by Kappaluppa (not verified) on

This is so awesome!!! Congratulations!!

I'm so happy for you. You are so right... is anyone EVER really ready?? Not a chance, and that's part of what makes the whole thing so exciting and wonderful and the best experience you will ever have. I love my girls more than life itself. Who woulda thunk? They turn your life upside down, inside out and round and round - but I wouldn't trade it for the world! And I know you are just gonna be great mommies.

What a truly wonderful and selfless gift from your sister. This is a wonderful story!

Blessings to ALL of you, because this kid has one huge parental unit going on here! If there is anything I can do, please let me know... like if you are down SoCal way and need a sitter, I know someone you can call! hahaha!

Big hugs! Big blessings! Big big!!!!

K

Surprise pregnancies happen all the time. Having a sister who wants a baby at the same time is a new twist for me. How lucky everyone is! Congrats Marci and Angie.

I got lots of tips. My first tip is to plan a nice long vacation together BEFORE the baby is born. You can reminisce when the going gets tough.

Submitted by Unofficial "Uncle G" (not verified) on

SO HAPPY!!!! For you & Marci, and for your sis. Such a great outcome. Love is Love is Love is Love.

XOXO,
Geordie

Submitted by Suzanne (you know) (not verified) on

Hey Angie,

I have lot of recommendation, but my biggest is to stay away from the baby books. Seriously! Except The Baby Whisperer. You will need this one,
Congrats and best of luck.

Submitted by enzo - Eduardo ... (not verified) on

I recommend sleep when your baby sleep

What terrific news -- congratulations to all of you! Some thoughts (we have four incl 18 mo old twins) -- especially early on don't ever hesitate to ask for help, it's a lot of work and sleep will not be the same :) but friends/family will always be happy to help, just ask them. Rest when the baby sleeps, resist the urge early on to use the time to do too much work of any kind (Drupal, cleaning, etc.) so you won't be too tired when the baby wakes up again, before long you will settle into a routine. wubbanub.com has great pacifiers -- all our kids used them -- like Beanie Babies with a pacifier attached. Take lots of pics and video and keep a diary or blog about him/her even if just for you and your family -- they change so quickly and before you know it, that thing they did or sound they made, they don't do anymore and you'll want to go back someday and remember what it was. Balmex is the best for diaper rash, much better than Desitin. "Happiest Baby on the Block" really does work for calming them (and restoring some sanity to you!). Swaddling is great, babies can startle themselves when sleeping with involuntary arm movements, a "Swaddle Me" makes it easy (we could never do it with blankets like the nurses do). Onesies with zippers are also easier than snaps and look for outfits with sleeves that fold over so the baby doesn't scratch him/herself (clipping nails on tiny fingers is hard). When he/she gets a little bigger have an Exersaucer ready, they love it -- and for early on, have a good swing, Fisher Price makes good ones. Admittedly this is all what worked for us -- but find what works for you, I'm sure you will. Good luck and again congratulations -- being a parent is the best thing you guys will ever do! :)

Submitted by Marty Klann (not verified) on

Your world will grow exponentially, tho sometimes it will seem very small (like middle of the night feedings and sick days can do). You will be wonderful. The only thing I have to add after all the recommendations above is to have a calendar on which you put at least one special thing that happened each day about your baby. You and your child will treasure this in later years and like pictures can only be done close to when it happens. A first sound or accomplishment to start off with , and when they have to eat 15 times a day, or sleep thru the night.... and how your world looks differently than it did before. You all will be in my thoughts and prayers and have been since Sarah announced her decision.

Submitted by Shan (not verified) on

This is totally awesome news!!!!! Just made my day:) You're both very lucky and so is the YO! Your sister must be some kind of saint :)

Lookin forward to chatting more soon, this is HUGE and it must feel great to have so many share your joy!

Xxs

Submitted by kvantomme (not verified) on

So happy to hear this awesome news!

Kids really eat your day for breakfast and will shake up your life with good and sometimes less fun surprises. But there is nothing in the world that feels like having your own family. Through all the mess and stress there is a special kind of peace that I only get from thinking of my little family.

For years now you have been as a mother for the Drupal community, showing an impressive amount of firm endless patience and care for all the new people that are about to get their noses bitten off. If you ever need a character witness for the social worker no need to look very far :) I don't really know Marcy, but as you've chosen her, she must be an awesome person too.

Stay away from the internet forums, there's way too many horror stories out there. I'll ask Laura what books she would recommend, there are some that will make you feel like crap without really helping much...

Again congratulations!

Submitted by Kathryn Krueger (not verified) on

Angie, congratulations!

I know we have not kept up for - decades now!, oh my - but you were absolutely one of my favorite people when we were young. Gifted and talented and full of life, you inspired me. You were also one of my first crushes, which prompted any other number of self-discoveries down the line. All that said, I love the idea that you and your partner are going to be nurturing and raising a child; you have so much to offer, and I think it will be a very lucky child, indeed.

Anyways, my recommendations:

Starting when my daughter, Ravenna, was just a week or two old, I attended a drop-in post-partum support group (http://www.birthandbeyond.com/firstweeks.html) in Seattle that met weekly. Spending that time with other parents along with their similarly aged babies really helped me to gain confidence, to be less anxious, to get feedback and ideas for dealing with issues that were highly relevant at that point in her development, to develop an understanding of what was normal in terms of milestones, to be able to anticipate what changes were just around the corner, and to find solidarity in knowing that other parents were experiencing all the same issues that we were. In case you wonder at all whether a group like this will be relevant when neither of you will have birthed the child, there was a set of lesbian parents with an adopted infant who attended First Weeks at the same time that I did, and they seemed to enjoy and benefit greatly from it also. You wouldn't have the same group available to you, of course, but I am sure there are at some similar resources where you live.

I loved carrying Ravenna around in a sling when she was small (as opposed to strollers - I never actually owned one). It felt close and connected in a lovely way. Slings are also super easy to pack up and have anywhere with you, at any time, on a moment's notice - something you can't say about a stroller! The native sling was my favorite for easy packing and quick/cozy use (http://www.newnativebaby.com/) and the moby was my favorite when I wanted something more versatile that could lend itself to any number of positions, both back and front (http://www.mobywrap.com/).

I also did elimination communication (EC - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elimination_communication) with Ravenna, which is a process of learning to recognize unspoken cues, experimenting to find certain timing rhythms that work for your child, and giving your child early tools to explicitly communicate in a way that you can understand when they need to eliminate waste, so that they can do so in some other place - held over a toilet, held over a sink, held over a baby potty, held over a diaper they aren't wearing, etc. I also used cloth diapers without a cover, or with a thin cover, that helped more than anything to train my observation of her unspoken cues (and a quick, direct form of feedback when I had missed them, in the form of a little bit of wet.)

Thanks to EC, by the time Ravenna was 4 months old she was able to sometimes communicate via a specific sound (psssss) that she had to pee, so that I could get her someplace where she could do it outside of her diaper. She once managed to hold it for 10 minutes, the remainder of a bus ride home, at that age. When she was 10-12 months old she regularly communicated her need to potty via sign language and was largely out of diapers with few accidents. I don't know what your inclinations are and EC certainly isn't for everyone, but in case you didn't already know about it and it might appeal to your sensibilities, now you know about the idea! I personally loved it and plan to approach pottying the same way with any other children I might have.

The most important thing I learned about early parenting is this: there is a wide range of possibility for about any number of parenting choices; slings vs strollers, co-sleeping vs sleep-conditioning vs other sleep methods, EC vs western pottying with cloth diapers vs western pottying with disposables, buying processed and specially marketed baby food vs using a handmixer to feed your child the same food that you eat, etc.

Because you put care and consideration into every choice that you make, it is easy to fall into a trap of thinking that your way is the best way. One issue with this sort of thinking is that you can get stuck holding yourself to a choice that you find isn't working for you and is a source of daily frustration, maybe because you are invested in it, or you've been telling yourself that anything else is sub-par, or you feel like you'd be failing to go back and re-evaluate other options. Another issue is that it is judge the choices of everyone else who went another way. But I know people who made parenting choices all across these spectrums - and each our children has grown and thrived in spite of the different beginnings. I think ultimately it matters less WHICH choices you make, and more that you are loving, that you are attentive, and that you are engaging yourself in a process where you pay attention to what is working for you what is not, and you adapt accordingly. Be accepting and loving of yourself, your partner, your child, and your peers. (Don't beat yourself up about whatever struggles you encounter!) Allow yourself to make mistakes, and try to look child rearing as an evolving journey of discovery rather than a set, constrained path going the "right way". Remember that children, even infants, are incredibly, amazingly resilient.

If you'd ever like to chat about these or anything else, just let me know. I'd be tickled to hear from you.

Best wishes,
Kathy

Submitted by Kathryn Krueger (not verified) on

Angie, congratulations!

I know we have not kept up for - decades now!, oh my - but you were absolutely one of my favorite people when we were young. Gifted and talented and full of life, you inspired me. You were also one of my first crushes, which prompted any other number of self-discoveries down the line. All that said, I love the idea that you and your partner are going to be nurturing and raising a child; you have so much to offer, and I think it will be a very lucky child, indeed.

Anyways, my recommendations:

Starting when my daughter, Ravenna, was just a week or two old, I attended a drop-in post-partum support group (http://www.birthandbeyond.com/firstweeks.html) in Seattle that met weekly. Spending that time with other parents along with their similarly aged babies really helped me to gain confidence, to be less anxious, to get feedback and ideas for dealing with issues that were highly relevant at that point in her development, to develop an understanding of what was normal in terms of milestones, to be able to anticipate what changes were just around the corner, and to find solidarity in knowing that other parents were experiencing all the same issues that we were. In case you wonder at all whether a group like this will be relevant when neither of you will have birthed the child, there was a set of lesbian parents with an adopted infant who attended First Weeks at the same time that I did, and they seemed to enjoy and benefit greatly from it also. You wouldn't have the same group available to you, of course, but I am sure there are at some similar resources where you live.

I loved carrying Ravenna around in a sling when she was small (as opposed to strollers - I never actually owned one). It felt close and connected in a lovely way. Slings are also super easy to pack up and have anywhere with you, at any time, on a moment's notice - something you can't say about a stroller! The native sling was my favorite for easy packing and quick/cozy use (http://www.newnativebaby.com/) and the moby was my favorite when I wanted something more versatile that could lend itself to any number of positions, both back and front (http://www.mobywrap.com/).

I also did elimination communication (EC - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elimination_communication) with Ravenna, which is a process of learning to recognize unspoken cues, experimenting to find certain timing rhythms that work for your child, and giving your child early tools to explicitly communicate in a way that you can understand when they need to eliminate waste, so that they can do so in some other place - held over a toilet, held over a sink, held over a baby potty, held over a diaper they aren't wearing, etc. I also used cloth diapers without a cover, or with a thin cover, that helped more than anything to train my observation of her unspoken cues (and a quick, direct form of feedback when I had missed them, in the form of a little bit of wet.)

Thanks to EC, by the time Ravenna was 4 months old she was able to sometimes communicate via a specific sound (psssss) that she had to pee, so that I could get her someplace where she could do it outside of her diaper. She once managed to hold it for 10 minutes, the remainder of a bus ride home, at that age. When she was 10-12 months old she regularly communicated her need to potty via sign language and was largely out of diapers with few accidents. I don't know what your inclinations are and EC certainly isn't for everyone, but in case you didn't already know about it and it might appeal to your sensibilities, now you know about the idea! I personally loved it and plan to approach pottying the same way with any other children I might have.

The most important thing I learned about early parenting is this: there is a wide range of possibility for about any number of parenting choices; slings vs strollers, co-sleeping vs sleep-conditioning vs other sleep methods, EC vs western pottying with cloth diapers vs western pottying with disposables, buying processed and specially marketed baby food vs using a handmixer to feed your child the same food that you eat, etc.

Because you put care and consideration into every choice that you make, it is easy to fall into a trap of thinking that your way is the best way. One issue with this sort of thinking is that you can get stuck holding yourself to a choice that you find isn't working for you and is a source of daily frustration, maybe because you are invested in it, or you've been telling yourself that anything else is sub-par, or you feel like you'd be failing to go back and re-evaluate other options. Another issue is that it is judge the choices of everyone else who went another way. But I know people who made parenting choices all across these spectrums - and each our children has grown and thrived in spite of the different beginnings. I think ultimately it matters less WHICH choices you make, and more that you are loving, that you are attentive, and that you are engaging yourself in a process where you pay attention to what is working for you what is not, and you adapt accordingly. Be accepting and loving of yourself, your partner, your child, and your peers. (Don't beat yourself up about whatever struggles you encounter!) Allow yourself to make mistakes, and try to look child rearing as an evolving journey of discovery rather than a set, constrained path going the "right way". Remember that children, even infants, are incredibly, amazingly resilient.

If you'd ever like to chat about these or anything else, just let me know. I'd be tickled to hear from you.

Best wishes,
Kathy

Your years of cat herding the Drupal community will stand you in good stead!

Books:
"What to expect when you're expecting" will help you understand what the birth mother is going through.
"What to expect in the first year" will help you get through the first year.

Don't buy or read any other books, they'll just make you worried/paranoid. Mostly you have to learn by doing and every baby is different (as are parents!), what works for you+baby is more important than what you read.

Hope the adoption goes well. Have a wonderful adventure :)

You know you're not going to get any work done once child arrives right? :)

Submitted by Diana (M) Dupuis (not verified) on

*Everybody* is going to tell you what to do and people are very attached to their opinions. (open source == parenting) In the end, only you can decide what's best. Trust yourself. And save a little money every month to pay for therapy to catch the wrong things you try :-)

Submitted by Matthew (not verified) on

That's really awesome! :)

Submitted by Adam Moore (not verified) on

That is awesome and you guys are going to rock as parents! As someone who has adopted they will definitely be all up in your business, but if you roll with it everything will be fine. Here is some advice for dealing with social workers (things may be different in Canada, but probably still good advice.)
1) Document everything! Every meeting, anything that you feel was odd that was brought up or any comments you felt weren't appropriate. It can help you down the road.
2) Not every social worker may be open to a homosexual couple adopting. That can show up into reports as little things they find wrong. If you feel this is happening don't be afraid to talk to their supervisor about your concerns. We are an interracial family and we had 2 social workers who didn't believe in interracial adoption and it affected how they treated us. They don't have their jobs anymore. :) Don't be afraid to be pushy to make sure you hit that final goal.

Those were a couple of things I had wished I knew before I started the process. I've known many adoptive parents who didn't have the issues we had so we may have been an extreme case and I don't know how a social worker couldn't just look at you guys and say, "This baby is going to have bad ass parents!"

If you want to talk more about the adoption process I'll be at badcamp. Again congratulations!!

redndahead

Submitted by Brian Berlin (not verified) on

Congratulations! I came across this yesterday. I think I saw a CSS for babies as well. I wouldn't expect to see a drupal for babies although that might be a project for maternity leave ;)

http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/eacc/

Submitted by carwin (not verified) on

I can attest that the book is awesome, but I had to order/return it 3 or 4 times due to the printing quality (smeared colors etc...)

Oh, and congrats webchick!

Submitted by jam (not verified) on

Congratulations! I think you guys are pretty much scraping the bottom of the barrel now in terms of excuses-not-to-introduce-Marci-to-the-community ... What are you going to come up with next time? :-D

Submitted by lisarex (not verified) on

I'm really happy for you both! What an amazing gift!

Submitted by Esther Lee (not verified) on

Yay! Mama Angie! Yay! I am SO excited and happy for you and Marci. I just recently had a baby girl, can we exchange when your wee one arrives and for always? I think of you often!

Submitted by Paul Johnson (not verified) on

Welcoming a child into your life is the best thing you will ever do. What fabulous news. I'm so pleased for you. Good luck with the red tape.

Submitted by Helmo (not verified) on

Congratulations!

I got "Baby Owners Manual" as a gitf... fun to read

(details)

Submitted by Matt Westgate (not verified) on

Love the serendipity of how all this came together for the two of you. You're gonna be awesome parents!

Wow how unbelievably exciting! Congratulations to you both, and may the process be smooth. If you can cat-herd thousands of frothing geeks I'm sure you can cat-herd a few nosy social workers. A baby though, well...

Submitted by Zach Chandler (not verified) on

Hi Angie, it was nice getting a chance to chat with you at BADcamp, I am so happy for you! Since I'm an adoptive dad who has done international adoption, and kept myself and my partner sane through the whole thing, I would be more than happy to share all that with you.
Cheers,
Zach

Submitted by Johanna (not verified) on

Just another Drupaler who's so happy for you! Congratulations!

Submitted by Jacine (not verified) on

Wow, fantastic news! You'll be an amazing mom. :)

Submitted by Robin Puga (not verified) on

Woohoo! Very exciting news!

Congratulations! This is terrific news. My little one's three months old now; it's been an insane ride, but worth every moment.

If you can email me your mailing address, the Boston Drupal Mamas have a care package we'd like to send you :-)

Submitted by Albert Volkman (not verified) on

heyrocker just informed me of the news (somehow I missed this)! We'll both be new parents come next year! Congratulations!!!

Submitted by David Rothstein (not verified) on

I heard about this belatedly also... congratulations!!

The title is "node/add/webchicklet" but do you know yet if it's going to be a node rather than another entity type? Either way, I'm sure it will be a "bundle" of joy!

Wow, what a big surprise and how much great luck for you! :-)
Congratulations!!
Please update us on any issue/story/topic/etc. you have in this context - everyonewould be glad to hear news :-)
Regards